Barely smiling, a harassed celebrity scrawls a signature for a fan, who slinks off clutching the flimsy memento.
Business is booming at London's Collectormania autograph convention - and with hundreds of fans queueing for the biggest stars there is little time for niceties.
John Barrowman is the most popular celeb - despite charging punters £20 for a signature, another £20 for a photo and a further £20 to attend a talk about his BBC show, Torchwood.
In the course of a day he will pose for more than 600 snaps, sign about 1,000 autographs and address a sell-out audience of 500 at the meeting - adding up to a possible £40,000-plus.
And you thought footballers were overpaid.
London's dated Olympia arena is a fitting venue for such a grubby event, which allows celebs to treat fans as cash cows.
I was one of 3,000 who paid a tenner to get in last Sunday. The first sign to greet guests inside states: "You can now pay for autographs by credit card."
Wendy at the front desk sighs wearily that trade has been "constant" as she asks someone for their PIN number.
Doors opened at 9am and, within three hours, all 620 slots for photos with John have gone. Wendy directs several fans upstairs to his autograph booth, where a ticketing system means you take a number and return for his signature at a set time.
Selena Whiskin, 22, from the Isle of Sheppey, Kent, is miffed.
She says: "I've just finished reading John's autobiography and wanted a picture with him.
"I'm annoyed that won't be possible. I did try taking one from a distance but the staff just rush over and tell you off."
And she's right. Point your mobile at anyone and you're promptly bawled out by security.
Selena continues: "It's harsh when you've traveled to London specially. I'll settle for an autograph instead as I wouldn't pay for that and a picture. It would be a bit extortionate."
I ask at the information desk if John is likely to get through the 1,000 or so people hoping for an autograph.
Server Katie says: "Yes, we've had him before and he gets through a silly amount. We're open until 5pm and John signs until the end."
Over at Photo Area B, several hundred wait to be pictured with Robert Englund - Freddy Krueger in the Nightmare On Elm Street films. These are relative bargains at a mere £15 a shot or a signature - maybe because it's 25 years since he first played the horror film favourite.
Antony Southall, 23, has travelled 200 miles from Preston to see him.
He says: "I'm hoping to meet his Nightmare On Elm Street co-star, Heather Langenkamp, and George Takei from Star Trek later. All of them seem to be busy.
"I budgeted about £60 for pictures and autographs. It is expensive. If you've taken the time to come, they should at least have a short chat."
Natalie Wilks, 23, from Kent, says: "My mate paid for my ticket. There's no way I'd part with my own money for an event like this."
Most of the 47 guest "celebrities" are virtual unknowns.
They include Katharine Isabelle (who appeared in an X Files episode and Supernatural), Irene Lamb, who helped cast Star Wars movies, and Garrick Hagon, who played Ky in Doctor Who.
No, I don't remember them either.
Some of the sports stars signing are a bit more friendly.
Disgraced Liverpool goalie Bruce Grobbelaar and snooker champs John Virgo and Dennis Taylor only charge a tenner for autographs. Spurs and Derby County legend Dave Mackay will put pen to paper for just a fiver. All pose for photos at no extra cost and spend several minutes chatting.
John, 63, tells me: "This is my first convention, I'm quite enjoying it - I've just been speaking to two people in Star Trek outfits."
The same good humour is lacking at nearby Shannon Doherty's stand. After paying £20 and choosing from a selection of flattering photos, I ask how the former star of Beverly Hills 90210 is enjoying being in London.
"I love it," she replies while autographing the picture. "It was nice to meet you." End of meeting.
This curt approach does not deter Shannon's devoted fans, who turn up in droves for her £20 photo session a few hours later.
Accompanied by four minders, she swoops into the makeshift studio where a snapper wearing a Hawaiian shirt and microphone directs the operation with military precision.
As one person gets a picture with Shannon another stands on the red line, waiting to be called forward.
It's all literally over in a flash.
And celebrities aren't the only people being kept busy.
The auditorium is packed with vendors selling memorabilia including £79 Star Wars lightsabers, £20 cardboard cut-outs of the Harry Potter cast and yet more famous signatures.
At one they have a signed Shannon Doherty photo - for £15. I missed a bargain there.
The salesman says: "I've had the autograph for ages and can't get rid of it." My next investment is a £15 signature from David Soul, who tells me the 2004 film of his iconic Starsky And Hutch Seventies TV show "didn't do the original justice."
Mr Sulu - sorry George Takei - fresh from 2008's I'm A Celebrity, charges me £15 for his autograph. But I do get a free flyer advertising his forthcoming panto in Chatham.
But it's the £20-a-head Torchwood talk that takes the biscuit and comes very close to pantomime.
In fact, there's singing, dancing and double-entendres galore from the man of the moment, John Barrowman.
The crowd lap it up, while posing questions including "What is your favourite cheese?" and "Do you play with your Torchwood character doll?"
"Soft and garlicky Boursin" and "Yes", if you're interested.
Afterwards the sight of people leaving Olympia with bundles of photos under their arms suggests lots of money has changed hands.
Doctor Who fan David Atherton, 42, from Enfield, north London, held out for six hours to meet his idol Barrowman and tells wife Teresa: "It wasn't worth it. I would have appreciated a few words spoken to me.
"I tried to make conversation, saying he provided great entertainment but John just didn't respond. It was as quick as he could sign before on to the next person."
An announcement at 4:55pm reminds visitors Mr Barrowman will leave the building in five minutes.
Meanwhile, with sweat beading on his brow... he just keeps signing.
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I am in the process of compiling data from collectors and dealers to determine which celebrities have been the best autograph signers for 2009. There will be a U.S./Canada celebrity list and a UK/Europe/Australia celebrity list. If you would like to participate, please send your list to this email Your Best Celebrity Signers For 2009. Please consider the signer's willingness to sign, their demeanor and how they signed. Celebrities from movies, music, TV, sports, etc. from any country can be included. Please limit your list to 10 celebrities in order of preference. *********************
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